Funny Friday

Royal babies have been in the news so what better them for thereturn of Funny Friday . . .

Firstly, some Royal baby comments, some being from the previous Royal bub

"The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably — for the next 80 years." 

– Jay Leno 

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" 

–Jay Leno

"William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. 'My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?'" 

–Jay Leno

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Royal Baby can't feed, bathe or clothe himself. So he already meets all the qualifications to be a prince."

"When they tie the umbilical cord will they use a Windsor knot?"

"No word yet on which house the Sorting Hat has placed the Royal Baby."

* * * * * * * *

My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive.

I've just got one question though:

At what age do they stop being black?

* * * * * * * *

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will say, "Let's have another baby."

But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, "Tell you what, Dave... Kick me in the bollocks again."

* * * * * * * *

I hate it when new parents ask me who their baby looks like. 

It was born 2 days ago, it looks like a fucking potato.

* * * * * * * *

I've just been to visit my friend's new baby.

They asked me if I wanted to wind him.........

but I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

* * * * * * * *

This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers.

"This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."

The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."

The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she's had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground.

When the phone is answered, he asks, "what's the latest?"

And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"

* * * * * * * *

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

"Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

* * * * * * * *

I met this bird last night and I asked "What's your name?"

"Tuesday" she replied.

I said, "That's a strange name."

She said, "Yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, 'I think we'd better call it a day.'"

* * * * * * * *

To people with 'Baby on Board' stickers on the back of their cars.

If you think that's going to make a difference when I'm crashing out of control at 90 kilometres per hour then you're a bloody idiot.

* * * * * * * *

Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped.

The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.

Corn Corner:

With the birth of the Royal baby, Prince William has become a father for the second time.

He needs all the heir he can get.