Funny Friday

The fact that I spent time with an Irish client yesterday and told him my favourite Irish joke inspired the selection of Irish humour as today's Funny Friday theme. My favourite Irish joke is included below but it is a repeat, having previously been posted on Bytes.

By the way, the pic above is a movie still from the wonderful 1959 Disney flick Darby O'Gill and the Little People. The main romantic lead in that film was none other than a young Sean Connery in one of his early, pre-James Bond films:

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Female Irish customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. 

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? 

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.

"What's it for?" asked Paddy. 

"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids" said the barman.

Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

On the occasion of his 20th wedding anniversary, Daniel Patrick is in the pub celebrating with his mates. He lifts a glass and toasts his marriage: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife." All the mates cheer and applaud this fine and noble sentiment, and raise another glass or two (or three, or four). Back home, Daniel tells his wife about the ovation he received, but since he knows she won't approve the language, changes it to: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church beside me wife." A few days later, the Mrs. meets one of the mates who had cheered Daniel in the pub. The toast is mentioned. "Oh, you heard? says the mate. "Yes, indeed," she says. "Twas a fine, fine toast," the mate says. "Indeed it was," says the Mrs., "even if it happened only twice these twenty years, and the second time he fell asleep before it was over."

And finally, my favourite:

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Corn Corner:

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."