Funny Friday

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Caution: risque language follows

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I got so sick of the trick or treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

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In Australia, in place of "democrat" substitute "A Labor Party supporter"

In Australia, in place of "republican" substitute "A Liberal Party supporter."

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I'm thinking of dressing up as Kanye West this Halloween. When the kids knock on my door and as soon as they are about to shout Trick or Treat, I'm gonna jump out the bushes and say, "Christmas is better."

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My mate said there's one thing he hates about Halloween.

"Which is?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied, "they freak me out."

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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat . . . no thank you." 

~ Rita Rudner

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On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.

"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuck off."

My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

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Corn Corner:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

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