Funny Friday

Having watched Bad Grandpa on video last weekend and having attended a funeral during the week, the universe seemed to be saying that funerals should again be the theme for Funny Friday . . . 

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My friend recently died; he drowned.

So, at his funeral, instead of a wreath, we put a life belt on the coffin.

...well, it's what he'd have wanted.

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My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

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I was in town yesterday and saw a very unusual funeral. A big, horse-drawn hearse was pulling two coffins, and behind it walked a man in black with a big Staffordshire Bull Terrier on a lead. Behind him slowly walked about 500 guys in single file.

I couldn't resist asking, so I went up to the guy with the dog and asked, "what's this all about?" 

"Well," said the guy, "those two coffins are my wife and my mother-in-law. My dog attacked my wife, and killed her. My mother-in-law went to help and she ended up badly bitten too, and died."

I thought for a moment, then asked, "mate, would you mind if I borrowed that dog?"

"You can do," he replied, pointing to the line of guys behind him, "but you'll have to join the queue!"

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. 

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." 

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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Snowman funerals

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My wife's terminally ill and as I sat writing, she sobbed, "What can I do so I'm not such a burden?"

"Well", I said, "You could help with these funeral invitations."

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A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

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Corn Corner:

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A traveling salesman through a small village when he's held by a huge funeral procession. He said to one of the locals "Who died?" "I'm not sure" said the villager "But I think it's the one in the coffin"

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