Bytes: Funny Friday

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Byter Vince sent me an email during the week with a variation of an old joke, an oldie but a goodie. It is a butler joke updated to Downton Abbey and suits the characters perfectly. That also prompts a couple of additional butler items, one of them a repost.

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His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word upon which I am not too clear."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb, my Lord."

"Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.

Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Well," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself deeply into his thumb."

"I witnessed the incident, my Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate, inquired of Wills with a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

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A Mafia don calls his home.

The butler picks up the phone and says "Hello."

Mafia don: "Give the phone to my wife."

Butler: "Just a moment."

The Butler comes back and says: "She is in the bathroom."

Mafia Don: "I said I want to speak to her NOW!"

Butler: "I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now."

Mafia Don: "If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens."

Butler (now scared): "You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom."

Mafia Don: "What did you say??"

Butler: "Yes, it's true."

Mafia Don: "Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both."

Butler (scared out of his wits): "I can't do that, I can never kill anyone."

Mafia Don: "Do it right now!"

Butler: "No, I can't!"

Mafia Don: "If you don't do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with- I want to hear the shots, and don't forget to get rid of the gun."

Butler: "Uh, all right."

The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.

Butler (badly shaken): "I did it!"

Mafia Don: "Good work. What did you do with the gun?"

Butler: "I threw the gun in the pool."

Mafia Don: "What pool are you talking about? We don't have a pool? Is this 747-5498?"

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Lord Henry lived alone in his manor with his faithful manservant, James.

His lordship had a regular daily routine which included James assisting his lordship with his bath. Once his lordship was in his bath, it was James’ duty to fetch Lord Henry a brandy.

One day his lordship was feeling drowsy in his bath and began drifting off to sleep, just as James was about to leave to get Lord Henry his daily brandy. As James was turning the handle on the door, his lordship broke wind. James paused, looked at his lordship and left.

Some time later James came back, carrying a silver tray with the glass of brandy, a jar of Bovril, a cheap fob watch and a hot water bottle.

“What’s all this?” asked his lordship.

“The things you asked for, m’lord,” said James.

“You must be daft, my good man,” said his lordship, “I asked for nothing of the sort.”

“I’m sorry, your lordship,” replied James, “I could have sworn that as I was leaving I heard you ask for a four bob fob watch, hot water bottle and bottle of Bovril.”

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The following is a different version op the "aplomb" joke above . . .

James the butler had a tremendous command of English but had trouble with French phraseology nd meanings. One such was the phrase "faux pas", which his lordship explained as meaning a socially awkward or tactless act. James asked his lordship for an example.

"Why of course James," His Lordship replied "You remember the other week when the Bishop and Lady Soames came to dinner? Prior to dinner they were both walking in the garden and the Bishop pricked his finger on one of the rose bushes. Then at dinner whilst you were serving , Lady Soames remarked to the Bishop 'How is your prick?' and he said 'Throbbing.' You said 'Shit!' and dropped the peas. That was a faux pas!!"

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Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."

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