Funny Friday

 

This having been the week that Australian Treasurer Joe Hockey delivered his horror budget, an appropriate theme for Funny Friday is money . . .

* * * * *

My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.

* * * * *

Saul is working in his store
when he hears a booming voice from above:
"Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days.
"Saul, sell your business for $3 million."
After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino.
Voice says,
"Saul , go to the blackjack table and
put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing.
"Saul, take a card."
“What? The dealer has -- “
"Take a card!"
He tells the dealer to hit him.
Saul gets an ace. Nineteen.
He breathes easy.
"Saul, take another card."
“What?”
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
He asks for another card.
It’s another ace. He has twenty.
"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.
“I have twenty! Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
“Hit me,Saul says.
He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

* * * * *

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" 

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." 

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. 

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" 

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" 

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" 

* * * * *

A guy walks into a bar and says “Gimme twenty shots of your best bourbon.” 

The bartender pours the shots, and the guy immediately pounds them all down like a madman.

The bartender says “Man, I’ve never seen anybody drink like that before.”

He says “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” asks the bartender.

The guy says “Fifty cents.”

* * * * *

Corn Corner:

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

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