Funny Friday

My mother in law remains in hospital as a result of a Christmas Eve fractured hip, so the theme for this Funny Friday, the first of the year, is hospitals. 

A hospital? What is it?

It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Some of the items have been posted previously.

* * * * * * * *

The following post contains risque items. . .

* * * * * * * *

John is paying a visit to the hospital to visit his Italian neighbour who just had a very serious traffic accident. The neighbour is in plaster, completely wrapped in bandages with large amounts of hoses and infusions. He looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation but his neighbour has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle.  During his last gasp for air he says "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." 

John inscribes the words in his heart. 

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say at the end. 

She asks with tearful eyes, "Was it that he loved me? " 

"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like ‘Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ....’ “

The widow screams and faints. 

"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "What did he say? What does that mean?" 

The crying daughter says: "You’re standing on my oxygen hose, you git."

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

Two guys are chatting in their hospital beds;

"What are you in for?" said the first,

"Camera down the throat" the other replied,

"Oh endoscopy?" the first man asked,

"Yes" he said "Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?"

"Camera up the arse" he said,

"Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" quizzed the second man,

"No, my neighbour was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo"

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . 

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

Corn Corner:

My friend was rushed to hospital yesterday because he swallowed a five dollar note.

They are keeping him in for observation on his condition, so far there has been no change!

* * * * * * * * *