Funny Friday

It's Funny Friday time again but no theme this week, just a collection of some diverse humorous items.

* * * * * * * *

I came across this item during the week and it had me chuckling:

* * * * * * * *

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day mate! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

The Kiwi gets even more shocked.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

* * * * * * * *

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

* * * * * * * *

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

* * * * * * * *

A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: 

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?" 

"You're coming empty-handed?"

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

Limerick Spot

Given the focus on Dallas for the last week it seems appropriate to have a limerick about a young lady from that city but be warned, it is risque . . .

There was a young lady from Dallas,
Who used dynamite sticks for a phallus.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

* * * * * * * * *