Funny Friday

Last week's Funny Friday, on the issue of flatulence, brought forth some supportive comments from males and some negative comments from the sisterhood, which was consistent with what I said in my post: guys like a good fart joke, women hate them. More Funny Friday Farting to come.

This week, some humour relating to weddings. Much of the funny side of weddings tends to be of a negative nature.

Disclaimer: 

All characters, comments, expressed opinions, philosophical viewpoints and criticisms appearing in this post are fictitious and/or literary and do not reflect the beliefs or views of the author. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  

(I'm married.  As the punchline to a particular joke goes, I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.)

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Some wedding items...

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I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "You're next."

They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.

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I remember my mate's words, “If I ever get like my father, incontinent, dribbling at the mouth and unable to communicate effectively to others, then shoot me rather than let me suffer!”

When I've sobered up from his stag night I'll explain to his fiancee why the wedding’s off. 

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A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mum," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." 

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." 

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." 

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner." 

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Ronnie Corbett: "Do think marriage is a lottery?"

Ronnie Barker: "No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance." 

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I'm so tired of this myth that it’s easy to get lucky at weddings. The last wedding I was at was a disaster. I tried it on with all of the bridesmaids and got nowhere with any of them. Didn't even get anything off my wife after that, and it was my wedding! 

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My bride looked absolutely beautiful standing at the altar with a tear running down her cheek.

Apparently. 

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I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards. I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car and leave. 

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I said to my wife "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night. Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV. 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve mid-life crisis problems. 

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The following item is for my son Thomas, a budding lawyer, who felt that Latin legal maxims still have a place in law. This was touched off by an article in the current legal journal as to the desirability on plain English in legal matters. I am a supporter of demystifying, which includes avoiding Latin legal maxims. After all, if the res ipsa loquitir then why not speak plainly ab initio. To put it another way, if the thing speaks for itself, why not speak plainly from the beginning. He and I are not ad idem (of the same mind) on this. 

There was a young fellow called Rex

With diminutive organs of sex:

Arraigned for exposure

He said with composure,

"De minimis non curat lex". 

[Latin, translation:- "The law is not concerned with trifles." 

In the legal context it means that there must be a minimal level of substance or impact in order to bring a legal action. ]