Funny Friday

Following last week's items about the election of the new Pope, Byter Sue emailed me the item below.  Thanks Sue.

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. 

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was a bill. . . 

Moishe

Jerusalem’s Best Kosher Caterer 

Bill 

12 Suppers........144 Shekels 

The staff at a local charity office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of $500,000, you have not given even a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 

Embarrassed, the charity organisation representative mumbled, "Uh, no, I did not know that.” 

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 

The caller began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" 

The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea. I’m so sorry sir." 

On a roll, the lawyer rudely cut him off once again, "So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" 

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000." 

Mildred, the local, small-town church gossip and self-appointed monitor of morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her spying and gossip but they feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing and made it clear that she not approve. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. Later that evening, George quietly parked his old pickup right in front of Mildred's house and walked home. 

I will never understand the teenagers of today.

They have unprotected sex, but have cases on their phones... 

The Limerick Spot:

(The place in the first line of the following limerick is pronounced Tottnum in best English, but for the purpose of this limerick it can be pronounced Tottenum)

There was a young lady from Tottenham,

Her manners - she'd simply forgotten 'em.

During tea at the vicar's

She ripped off her knickers

Because she was feeling too hot in 'em.