Funny Friday

Caution: some risque content and language...

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This week, a random selection of short humorous items from Sickipedia:

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At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think." 

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Hot tip for getting an Oscar: 

Pretoria State Prison 

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As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck in the lift with me for the last 20 minutes. 

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Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids.

He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to.

Dave called me today and said, "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant."

"That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009." I replied. 

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Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win? 

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As my hamster laid stiff at the bottom of its cage with all 4 legs pointing upwards, I thought to myself, "This doesn't look good."

So I stood him upright. 

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I made dinner for my new girlfriend last night.

After the meal I said, "Those chips that you've just eaten actually came from my garden this morning."

"Wow!" she smiled, "I didn't know that you grew potatoes?" 

I said, "I don't, some fucker must've thrown them over the fence." 

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Limerick Spot:

First let me explain that I'm cursed.

I'm a poet whose time gets reversed.

Reversed gets time

Whose poet a I'm.

Cursed I'm that explain me let first

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