Bytes: Funny Friday

Given the recent flurry of film and acting ceremonies and nominations – the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the Oscar nominations and, locally, the Australian Academy of Cinema and Television Arts Awards (AACTA, formerly the Australian Film Institute Awards) – it seems fitting to have some humour about actors . . .

I come from a long line of actors.

It's called the dole queue.

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.

Police say they are looking for two men who stole £25,000 from a security van. They added that after staging a Crimewatch reconstruction they are now also looking for two actors who stole £25,000 from a security van.

At the moment my fellow actors and I keep falling through the theatre floor.

I guess it’s just a stage we all go through.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!

A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'

A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers with the proposed stars, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Which star was to play which composer had not yet been decided.

"Who do you want to play"' Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin"]," said Bruce, "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And Arnie says "I'll be Bach."

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"

"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"

"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"

"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.

"Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions.

"Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent.

"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".

The actor is so ecstatic that he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite bar and goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line, "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.

"I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar?"

"Yes, I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'?"

"Yes, I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'?"

"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'."

"Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly from behind him comes an enormously loud blast. BANG!

The actor shouts "FUCK ME! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT????"

This one is not about an actor but it’s close enough to sneak it in:

A screenwriter returns home after a long evening's work of waiting tables, only to find his house a pile of smouldering rubble. Policemen and firemen poke grimly through the remains. The writer leaps out of his car and runs over to a detective. "Oh God! My house! What happened? Where are my wife and children?"

The cop says, "I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid your agent came to your house, slaughtered your family, burned your home to the ground, and then danced on the rubble in hobnailed boots."

The writer looks at the detective, excited, and says, "My agent came to my house?"