Funny Friday

Last week’s Funny Friday consisted of wife jokes so, in fairness, this week’s is a collection of husband humour. . . 

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." 

Niles: [to Frasier] Say, funny thing happened the other day: one of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, “Pass the salt,” but instead he said, “You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew.” 

- Frasier, Episode “Dinner at Eight” 

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbour then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!" 

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" 

A man is in the supermarket when he sees an attractive woman waving to him and smiling. He walks over, unsure of who she is.“I’m sorry,” he says, “But I don’t think I recognize you.”“I think you’re the father of one of my children,” the woman says, smiling. The man’s heart nearly stops as he thinks back to the one time has was unfaithful, at his best friend’s bachelor party. “Are you the stripper?” he asks, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with wet celery?” The woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.” 

Corn Corner:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 

The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: “HEBREWS”.