Funny Friday

It's that time of the week again, Friday, which also means that it's time for some humour.  

Today's target:  Catholics.  Part 1 today, Part 2 next Friday.

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. 

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. 

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. 

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. 

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious." 

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse and, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" 

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." 

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" 

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. 

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again." 

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. 

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!" 

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." 

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. 

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." 

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.' 

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.' 

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?" 

A man walked past the kitchen of a monastery and saw a robed figure at the stove preparing fish and chips. 

“Are you the fish friar?” he asked. 

 “No,” replied the man, “I’m the chip monk.”