Funny Friday

 

Today, some politically incorrect Italian humour . . .

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ..”

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" 

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!" 

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Bonus item:

The current local frenzy over the visiting boy band One Direction reminds me of a dated, but still funny, bit of humour:

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend’s house.  The girlfriend said to her mum, "We’re going up to my room" and the mum says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun." When they are up there the mother hears: "Baby baby baby, oh!"  The mother walks to the door and asks "What the hell is going on?" The girl says, "Mum, were just having sex." The mum says, "Oh, thank God. I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."