Limericks

 

Caution: the following item contains risque material.

There is a school of opinion that holds that limericks are not a true folk form unless they are obscene. 

This is best summed up by the following:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The best limericks are those which have some sort of internal rhyme, a whiplash last line, assonance, alliteration or other wordplay.

I have set out below some favourite limericks that display these characteristics, noting that some of the more famous, risque examples (“There once was a man from Nantucket”, “The aged archbishop of Buckingham” etc) have been omitted.

On a maiden a man once begat
Triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn’t a spare tit for Tat.


A bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I’m told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.

An old couple living in Gloucester
Had a beautiful girl but they loucester.
She fell from a yacht
And never the spacht
Could be found where the cold waves had toucester.

There once was a plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid “Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming,”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.”

A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young nuinea.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tacked
For he told a plump girl she was skuinea.

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired “Send two punts, one canoe.”
The answer next day
Said “Girls on the way,
But what the Hell’s a panoe?”

A girl who weighed many an oz
Used language I dare not pronoz,
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
ust to see (so he said) if she’d boz.

There once was a young man named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died.
His younger brother
Then fell down another
And now they’re interred side by side.

There once was a man from Japan
Whose limericks just didn't scan.
When asked why this was,
He answered, "Because
I always try to cram as many syllables into the very last line as I possibly can."

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the Vicar “Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?”

Helen Keller’s pussy grew tight
Masturbating alone late at night.
She rubbed that hot gland
With just her left hand
And silently moaned with her right.