Words and Willies

Caution: The following post contains adult subject matter and some risque language

A lengthy post but hopefully one you will enjoy or at least find interesting...

I’m tired of pretending I’m not special.

I’m here and I’m ready.

I got tiger blood.

I have a 10,000-year-old brain

and the boogers of a 7-year-old.

I’m a high-priest Vatican assassin warlock

Park your judgment at the door.

Your children will weep

Over your exploded body.

They’re going to lose.

They lay down with their ugly wives

in front of their ugly children.

Just look at their loser lives.

I was born dead.

Hope is for suckers.

Don’t remember.

Don’t care.

Scoreboard doesn’t lie.

The above lines are not the lyrics of a Bob Dylan song or a Leonard Cohen poem, although they sound somewhat like that. Instead they are a collection of Charlie Sheen’s recent rambling comments in interviews and talkback telephone calls.

It is always sad to watch a train wreck in progress, be it Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen. What fascinates me about Charlie’s ongoing public meltdown is the images, metaphors and expressions he uses in his somewhat bizarre rants. In some ways they are almost poetic in the style of Dylan and Cohen.

In years to come the current fuss will diminish and Charlie will be looked backed on with a nostalgia for an irreverent son, a good guy who just lived life a little too fully but whose legacy to TV and films lives on,  much like Errol Flynn.  During his Hollywood years he was considered a scandalpus, unholy hellraiser, debauching women and underage girls at his house in the Hollywood hills or on his boat.  Today he is looked on with admiration and proudly claimed as one of Australia's own.

Which is a great segue for two Errol Flynn anecdotes, neither of which I have been able to verify. They are therefore presented with a question mark over their authenticity:

Errol Flynn was renowned for reputedly having wild orgies at his home in the Hollywood hills. A Hollywood producer who had heard these stories had been asking Errol Flynn for an invitation. One day such an invitation was extended. On the evening of the anticipated event, he arrived at Errol’s house and was greeted at the front door by a French maid wearing only a cap and high heels. She escorted him to the cloak room where another young lady, similarly attired, asked for his clothes. He handed them all over. The first young lady then escorted him to the double doors for the ballroom and instructed him to enter. He did so, whereupon all the guests turned and looked at the new arrival – all in full formal evening dress.

The second has been posted previously in Bytes and concerns Errol’s reputed generous endowment in certain areas (to the extent that he reportedly amused his guests by playing the piano in a unique fashion, as in that late night TV ad):

Charles Laughton was hosting a fancy dress party at his home in Hollywood in the 1940's.

When he answered the doorbell he found Errol on his doorstep, totally naked except for a large loaf of bread he had strapped to his front and another he had strapped to his back. He had then poured tomato sauce over himself and was coming as a hot dog.

Laughton looked him up and down through his monocle and finally said:

"Errol, I really don't know why you bothered. You could have just slung it over your shoulder and come as a petrol bowser."

Which brings me to another disgression from my disgression.

Errol was not the only Dirk Diggler of Hollywood. Some of the many other persons reputed to have been at the head of the queue when God was allocating:

• Daniel Craig ("It’s an absolute monster! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. How uncouth of me!" – Co star Dame Judy Dench).

• Liam Neeson (“He unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out,” – Supermodel and former lover Janice Dickinson).

• David Beckham (“He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!” – Wife Victoria Beckham).

• Frank Sinatra (“He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock.” - Former wife Ava Gardner).

• Steve McQueen (“(It’s) like two Coors beer cans welded together." – unnamed former lover).

• Charlie Chaplin (Appendage reputedly dubbed “The Eighth Wonder of the World”).

• Gary Cooper (“He was hung like a horse and could go all night“. – Former lover Clara Bow)

• Jared Leto (“the most [I’ve] ever had to work with,” could have a “second career available for him if he ever runs out of mainstream work." - Adult film star Corina Taylor).

• Milton Berle

(Berle was dubbed the “King Cock of Hollywood and is reported to have had the largest member in Hollywood of all time, still to the present day.

According to Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel: “He says to me: 'You mean you never saw it?' I said, 'Uh, no, I don't believe I did.' Then he said, 'Well, would you like to?' And before I had a chance to say, 'Not really' or 'Can I think about it?' or whatever, he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this - this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I'm looking into this thing, right? I'm looking into the head of Milton Berle's dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, 'What do you think of the boy?' And I'm looking right at it and I go, 'Oh, it's really, really nice.'”

Berle used to gleefully tell the story of how he was once confronted by a guy in a steam bath locker room who believed his own penis was bigger, and tried to goad Berle into a bet. After a few minutes of pestering, Berle’s friend, who was in the room, too, said “Go ahead, Milton, just take out enough to win.”

Berle died on 27 March 2002, aged 93. At a memorial roast shortly afterwards, Freddy Roman stated "We are here to honour Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th. On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried.")

Milton Berle (with cigar) and Frank Sinatra.

However, I stray from my topic.

Here is the collection of Charlie Sheen quotes of the last 2 weeks:

1. You can’t process me with a normal brain. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

2. I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists. - Sheen to TMZ in an open letter

3. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/2

4. I’m extremely old-fashioned, I’m a nobleman, I’m chivalrous. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/2

5. These resentments, they are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre. - Sheen to TMZ’s Mike Walter

6. I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

7. I’m here to collect. They’re going to lose. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/2

8. When I step between the lines it’s on, I’m there to show others how it’s done, it’s not really rocket science you know. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Sho

9. She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. - Sheen to Alex Jones on The Alex Jones Show

10. I’m here and I’m ready. They’re not. Bring it. - Sheen to Dan Patrick on The Dan Patrick Show

11. Everybody else is going to be begging me for their job back. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

12. I earn two million an episode. I’m underpaid! - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

13. Well, I don’t have much of a reputation left to ruin. - Sheen to Howard Stern on The Howard Stern Show

14. I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much? - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

15. AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

16. To quote the great Allen Iverson, practice. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

17. My number one rule is that you don’t put anything on film. - Sheen to Howard Stern on The Howard Stern Show

18. I’m 45 years old, and I’m not interested in people treating me like a 12-year-old. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

19. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

20. Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING! - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

21. I probably took more [drugs] than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: GO. [...] I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

22. No. Not going to, period the end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can’t is the cancer of happen. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

23. The run I was on made Sinatra, Jagger, Richards, look like droopy-eyed, armless children. [...] I expose people to magic. I expose them to something they’re never going to see in their otherwise boring lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they’ll live with that memory for the rest of their lives, and that’s a gift, man. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

24. Don’t remember. Don’t care. Drug test don’t lie. Scoreboard doesn’t lie. - Sheen to Jeff Rossen on NBC’s Today Show

25. You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

26. Maybe the three of us will get married. I don’t know. I’m gonna say this. It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

27. We have a few rules here. Nobody panics. There’s no judgment. You park your judgment at the door. Nobody dies. And — enjoy every moment. What did I miss? Drink chocolate milk. We just have fun. There’s a ton of laughter in this house. A ton of love in this house. There’s a ton of nobility in this house. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

28. Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk. - Sheen in a motivational speech to the UCLA baseball team

29. They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness! - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

30. Women are not meant to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed. - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

31. It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard. - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

32. I used to [take cocaine]. I’ve gotta be careful because that’s like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I’m not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn’t done any for a while, like seven hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out. - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

33. I won’t take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain. - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

34. And then it was like, you must let me impose my will on your face. And it was like, woah dude! - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

35. That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself. - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

36. I don’t know. I was on crack. Where’s Dr. Drew when you need him? - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

37. Come Wednesday morning, they’re gonna name it “Charlie Brothers,” not Warner Brothers, DUH. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

38. I’m a high-priest Vatican assassin warlock. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

39. I was born dead. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

40. I don’t sleep. I wait. - Sheen to Andrea Canning on ABC’s 20/20

41. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain. - Sheen to TMZ in an open letter

42. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say ‘I can’t process it.’ - Sheen to Alex Jones on The Alex Jones Show

43. I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. - Sheen to Alex Jones on The Alex Jones Show

44. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. - Sheen to Alex Jones on The Alex Jones Show

45. Jeez, dad, shut it. Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherf*ckers who look like me. - Sheen in an interview with RadarOnline.com

46. I have absolute faith in that, not hope — because hope is for suckers. - Sheen in an interview with Philadelphia’s Wired 96.5

47. “[On Two And A Half Men] there’s always, you know, a pee-pee or a butt—you know, pooh-pooh joke or a thing and I’m being like kind right now—in ways that they make you see things or feel imagery that is — that’s just juvenile and gross. And it’s not—I don’t think it comes close to—I think it eclipses some of the stuff I’m doing out there on my most epic nights, you know?” - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

48. [After Piers says Sheen's life is "unconventional"] Pretty good word for it. I think it’s just straight-out bitching.” - Sheen to Piers Morgan on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight

49. Advice to Lindsay Lohan] I have some advice for her. I have some things for her to consider. Work on your impulse control, just try to think things through a little bit before you do it. – Sheen to US radio host Dan Patrick

50. [Speaking about drug addiction] I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. - Sheen on the Today show